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angel
February 2009 
Guardians at the Gate
Posted on May 27th, 2008
by 
Kaius Maximus
Kaius Maximus
I am bleeding today, and this is my crutch. This blank page. This open door cracked before me leading to the Other place I have long leaned on. Since I was a child.
The Tibetans have a philosophy in the tantra tradition that I now subscribe to whole heartedly, because I have lived it. And I do not think you can know anything unless you have lived it, and it has breathed you.
It is written that each door of consciousness, or true achievement in this life is guarded by some pretty serious demons. This is why you always see the pictures of the Tibetan enlightened masters seated upon a lotus flower that is then in turn perched on the head of a demon. An AWAKE demon, mind you, and hungry. And all the while the master sits in samadhi -enlightenment.
So an aspirant, someone like you or me, comes to a door of what we want, and we are lured there by the honey. And the honey is the promise of happiness, or of love, or recognition. The ego is lured by what it thinks it will get. But of course, it is being led into its own annihilation. Because annihilation of the ego is the only way to true happiness or freedom of any kind.
But it looks like, Oh, great, I will get this boon. Boon ,being mythical language for gift, or reward. So we charge the gate. Woohoo!
Not everyone does, mind you. It takes a spirit that is willing to reach, to s t r e t c h itself in the direction of the goal. Most people are too afraid. Or worse, so overcome with ambition that they cannot even see the true gift when it is right in front of them.
So the seeker reaches the door, and finds it locked. Ever encountered anything in this universe worth having that came easily? How much would it be appreciated if it was just given. This is the whole point of The Wizard of Oz. Dorothy needed the whole journey to appreciate the ruby slippers in the end.
Well, once the door is reached, the tests begin.
This is confusing for the ego. The ego self is like, hey, wait a minute, I had honey right here before me, and now I am dealing with heaps of bullshit! And so there is an opportunity to fall back, to decline the reaching for the new state of consciousness, to decline the boon.
And the tests, I have noticed, are of many kinds:
Faith
Will
Patience
Humility
Purity of Purpose
Strength of Character
There are others, of course, but these figure prominently. For me, I get tested in the top 3 more than anything.
So last week, I stood at the door, smelling the honey. It was in the air. There was a light breeze, and so many spring blossoms, and certain connections with certain people in such a positive light that could not be ignored.
So I raised my sword. Because where there is promise of honey, there are demons. I prepared to be tested. Perhaps this is the first time I have gone in awake!
They come in threes.
Why is that?
But they do!
The letter from my old girlfriend came yesterday morning. I spent all day trembling with so much emotion I could barely sort it. Thank God for yoga, for running, and for tall trees that are strong enough to hold a human body.
Then came the letter from my agent. His thoughts. I cannot assume anything.
Then came my mother's phonecall, just now, that someone in the family has cancer. They will operate. They think they will have success, and we are a strong force of healers, especially the women. We are close to the Goddess.
I have drawn the blinds and rented movies at this point. It's very intentional. When my emotions become more than I can manage, I need to feel something from another source that can disrupt my field. Then my intuition will be more clear. Music can shift the small stuff. I can sing most anything --rage or grief or sadness, into its next incarnation. But this one, this one needs more than that. Breath and more still.
And dancing!
So this is my test of will. To not just crumble the way I have been known to in the past. To stay awake and strong.
And a test of faith, to believe in myself, and my book, and the path before us, regardless of the current circumstances. Things have been worse.
And a test of character. Will I choose to succumb to what someone else thinks of me, or am I going to set my foot down and stand by who I know myself to be in my heart.
Someone told me once you only incarnate as a scorpio if your major life lessons have to do with handling your own emotions, and the emotions of others. We get overwhelmed. We need tools to navigate with.
I have collected many such tools, but the real test is to use them. To put into practice what I already know.
Writing this blog entry is my meditation right now. This is how I am sorting my thoughts about what is happening so that I don't go sailing off the cliff into the great blue oblivion of emotional overwhelm.
Some part of me is in the place words cannot reach. She is floating in mythical waters, trying not to drown. In moments like these, I think how wonderful it might be to have a partner. Someone to trust with the truth. The truth of feeling. Not even so many words. Being held just solves so much, doesn't it? Thank God for my friends. They have gotten me through so much. I love you Feathermu!
I must remember, this is just passing through. It will fade. Everything does.
And once this level of self mastery is reached. If I can even reach it. The door will open, and there will be a rush of blue light. There will be an angel standing there, wings outstretched, furious with love, on fire with the truth of God, and whispering always, trust, trust, trust......
Access: PublicTagged with: angel, Tibet, Tibetan, gate, door, consciousness, test, cancer, meditation, book, enlightenment
It does seem like you had so much happen all at once. But you are so wise to know that it's just passing through….even though that doesn't always make it easier. Blessings, Kaia….blessings to the part of you that is trying not to drown. Relax in the water; She will hold you up.
The only comment for me to make, my dear Kaia, is this: You are wonderful, you are beautiful, you are an Angel and a Light. I am sending so much love, and hoping it will kiss your cheek and give you a huge hug. So glad you are here.
This is the most amazing community in the WORLD! Thank you so much for all the love. My heart is smiling ; )