Be the Rose of Love

How is a woman like a rose?

Does the rose know love the way a woman knows love?

And how can you know even greater love than you imagined possible, everywhere in your life?

I’d like to tell you about the biggest mistake I’ve made in love throughout my life. 

I’m not proud of it, but I am proud that I’ve discovered it, and spent the last two years really excavating it.

The mistake?

I’ll get to it a little further down.

There’s a quote from the stage play The King and I, where Yul Brenner declares in that ineffable accent, “My dear, the blossom should not go from bee, to bee, to bee.”

He is giving us a valuable instruction in love.

As women, when we don’t feel loved, we struggle with the deepest pain imaginable.

We need to feel loved the way we need the air we breathe.  To FEEL loved.  Not just to tell ourselves, Well, I know he loves me.  It might be your father, your lover, your son, your daughter.  It is never enough to just tell yourself, well, I know that love is there underneath it all.

No.

We need to feel that love.

And what do we do when we don’t get it?

We strategize, of course.  We strategize ways of getting that love.

First, we might become extra loving toward that person we want the love from.  We show them how it’s done.

Then, when that doesn’t work, we withdraw and withhold our love.  We decide we won’t give love until it’s given to us first.

And if that doesn’t work, we start the Big Talks.

Usually, by the time we get to those Big Talks, we are so ragged and torn up inside, and angry, and hurt, that instead of actually talking, we just vent our emotions.

And love evades us still.

So we AMPLIFY our emotions as though they weren’t loud enough to begin with.  As though we are talking to a deaf person.  And then we tell them exactly how we want them to respond to us, as if we handed them a script and said, read here.

I’ve done it.  Does it sound familiar to you?

Do we really think that anger and making demands will get us the love we want?

The people (often men) we are talking to usually respond by withdrawing even further, and not meeting our deep need for love.  And inside, we don’t feel beautiful anymore.

That’s the biggest pain to bear in the midst of not feeling loved.  That the strategies we use to get love make us feel less than beautiful.  We might end up feeling ugly, frustrated, and even more hurt.

In my life, I saw the cycle happen over and over.  How I pushed love away.  And a few years ago, I sat in meditation with a red rose in a workshop for an entire day.  An entire day of looking at a flower?  Yes.  By the end of the day, I was weeping.  I knew what I had done wrong.

A woman is a rose.

You are a rose.

We are the blossom of love.  Our petals are the unfolding of God’s love in the world.  Through our hearts, love shines, and the perfume of love invites others to come near and behold our beauty.

Wouldn’t you like everyone to see how beautiful you are?

The blossom should not go from bee, to bee, to bee.

Can you imagine a rose, indignant, frustrated, screaming at someone to get the love it wants?  Can you see that beautiful flower bribing another person with gifts and affection and kind words to get its needs met?  Can you see that rose demanding love?

The rose IS love.

You ARE the love.

For years, I was the pursuer in all my relationships.  I was not the blossom, but the bee.  I thought if I could do more, be more, and give more, I would get the love I wanted.  I left no room for anyone to love me. 

Giving can be the perfect defense against receiving. 

And the people in your life can FEEL when you are giving from a needy place, and they are not inspired to give in return.  The whole thing backfires.  Ouch.

So how do you get the love you want?

By being the love you want to receive.

Does the rose become attached to its perfume?  Or is the rose perfectly generous with its perfume to everyone all the time?

The rose sits deeply in herself, and offers her love from her authentic giving place.

The rose does not make demands.

The rose does not lose her temper.

The rose does not argue to get what she wants.

The rose does not blame.

The rose does not push.

The rose does not convince anyone of anything.

But doesn’t she?

Is she not the most convincing of flowers?

When you walk by a beautiful rose, are you not immediately convinced of her beauty?  So much so, that you cannot resist her?  Does she not allure you with her perfume?  Does she not call you to be swooned by her luscious petals, her depth of color?

How could you not love the rose?

If you, as a woman, practice being the rose, you will find that everyone loves you.  That perfect strangers give up their place in line for you.  That your dentist calls you personally the day after your visit to make sure you are well.  That people all over your life write you letters to tell you how much your presence means to them. 

I just described to you my week last week. 

But am I special?  Different?  Extra beautiful?

No, I am just like you.  Your presence is enough.

Your presence.  The presence of love in you.

That’s the secret of the rose.

Her PRESENCE of love is enough. 

What if you never had to reach for love again?

What if you never had to grab, to push, to convince, to control?

What if the man in your life, your children, and your boss just bent over backwards to make your life more wonderful?

I don’t know, Kaia.  That sounds like a lot of WORK.

But how effortless is the rose?

Does she wake up in the morning and say, “Oh God, I have to blossom today.  You know how much energy this takes?  I’m exhausted just thinking about it.”

No way!

The rose unfolds in the glory of love.  And her love is effortless.  Her perfume is effortless.  Her attraction is effortless.

For that is her secret.

The rose attracts.

That is your new secret.

You can attract all the love you want, and more, effortlessly.

Just be the love you want to receive.

Offer your smile to everyone.  Wish the bored security guard a beautiful day.  Compliment the exhausted soul bagging your groceries.   Wave at the children in the crosswalk.

And you know what?  You can still have all your feelings and be that presence of love.

If someone treats you badly, you can let them know in a loving way.  And if you need to, you can lovingly draw a boundary with someone who has hurt you.  And you can honor your dignity that way, and invite others to honor you. 

In fact, through your love, you can show everyone in your life, that the only way to treat you is to esteem and honor you.

Dignity (n) 1.  The quality or condition of being esteemed and honored.

The rose is a flower of great dignity and poise and self-respect.  And so are you.

Own your dignity.

I’ll say it again:

Own your dignity.

Our greatest fear is that we are not loved, not lovable.

Would you withhold your love and cause someone else to feel that pain?

Yet we do it all the time.  We punish.

It’s just because we ourselves are suffering.

But you can love through the suffering.  You can know that God/Goddess/Universe is the source of all your loving.

Is the rose the author of her perfume?

Is she afraid she will run out?

The perfume is born through her in the nature of her being.

Your love is born through you in the nature of your being.

The love of the ENTIRE UNIVERSE is within your heart, right now, beating.  And it is available to you.

And if someone isn’t attracted to your perfume, thank them.  They were not meant to be the person to love you.  If someone makes a mockery of your perfume, thank them, and let your perfume attract someone else who truly appreciates you.

You will be tested many, many times.

You might even be tested this week.

To withhold.  To withhold your love.

In those moments, I encourage you to take deep breaths into your heart, and picture the rose there.  Maybe yours is pink, or red, or amber.  Close your eyes a second and see it.  What color is your rose?

Breathe deep breaths into the rose in your heart, and know that her love, your love, is effortless and available no matter how hard the circumstance is before you.

Remember, there are no strangers here.

Everyone is your opportunity to practice being the rose this week, ok?

Because you deserve to feel loved every minute of your life.

Beauty be with you.

Kaia